i let my clothes scattered around the floor, i'm so lazy to tidy up my bed, and i don't even care with the dusty air that might irritate my respiration (well, i'm not the well-organized one but believe me, i like to be more tidy than this).
i don't care with my appearance. i wear unmatched clothes, shoes, and veils. i had thrown out my soft lens and use my thick minus 4-glasses. i forget to apply skin moisturizer every day. i don't wash my face. i don't have any face powder to lighten up my oily look. my haircut has lost its shape (and sometimes i let it uncombed). i eat a lot and gain more weight. i feel so ugly right now. and i don't even have a mirror to reflect my ugly feature.
and i hate it most when i could clearly hear men's voice in my boarding house in the middle of the night (and still heard them in the next morning--> for God's sake it's LADIES boarding house!). i hate it when i unintentionally see a dog walking around and barking in front of my door (who the hell brought an animal to this house???). i hate to lose my pail. and i hate to listen somebody's singing Katy Perry's song with a broken tone. .
i hate going back to bandung.
i hate going back to bandung and feel all alone.
gosh... i complain too much. i know i'm so damn lucky compared to those Merapi refugees. i know i should express my deep condolences and pray for them instead of blurting out my bad feelings. i'm sorry. i'm messed up.
I curse myself for this.